“Meet The Spartans” – Susan Granger reviews

Slapstick spoofs don’t get worse than this wretched, “300”-inspired, extended skit from writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, whose previous parodies include “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie.”

Back in ancient Greece, the brave warrior/king Leonidas was trained as a sturdy, stoic Spartan, so when the invading Persian hoards threatened the sovereignty of his city-state, he left his wife and gathered an army of 300 loyal soldiers to face mighty Xerxes in a heroic battle to the death.

In this campy version, muscle-bound Leonidas (Sean Maguire), wearing only leather underpants, is gay, as is his hunky aide-de-camp (Kevin Sorbo). As is their custom, the scantily-clad men greet each other with a deep kiss, while the women get a smacking “high-five.” So despite the seductive efforts of Queen Margo (Carmen Electra), the frolicking fellows – along with 13 faithful followers – skip off to a battle at the “Hot Gates.” Hidden in their midst is the villainous Traitoro (Diedrich Bader), whose deeds serve his name, and their enemy is hideously obese Xerxes (Ken Davitian from “Borat”), whose nipple clamps keep coming off.

Friedberg and Seltzer not only skewer homosexuals; in addition, their ancillary targets include “Brangelina,” Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and the jury for “American Idol” – with parodies of “Ghost Rider,” “Happy Feet,” “Transformers,” even “Deal or No Deal.” Not to mention obvious product placements for Coke and Dentyne Ice, among others.

Actually, if you want to see a free, far-better satire on the same subject, go to YouTube and find the “United 300” spoof.

On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Meet the Spartans” is a witlessly crude, vulgar 1. It’s not too early to begin a Worst Movies of 2008 list – and this is the first entry. Be warned.